Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Burned Out
A few weeks ago, I found myself burned out. Again.
I didn't listen to the subtle signs: lack of appetite, loss of interest in my hobbies, detachment, insomnia, etc. It was only when I began spending long hours playing computer games, killing aliens, that I finally told myself that I need to take a break.
Taking a break used to be a day on the beach, an afternoon in the mountains or an evening looking at the stars. Not this time.
Although I would love to do those things, I’d rather not, not at this stage in my life. I’d rather be in my room, with my bible, my journal, a liter of water and my towel.
For a long time, I have never allowed myself to stop and take a deep look at my life. I did the daily motions of living, existing to be exact. But never looked inside.
In those two days locked in my room, I began to acknowledge the emptiness in my heart, the struggles of missing a son and a daughter I have never met, the loneliness of being alone, and all other stuff that I denied ever existed...
I have not recovered. I don't know if I ever will.
It’s only by grace that I am able to press on. By faith I know something good will come out of this.
God is working and he is not through with me yet. To him be the glory!
I didn't listen to the subtle signs: lack of appetite, loss of interest in my hobbies, detachment, insomnia, etc. It was only when I began spending long hours playing computer games, killing aliens, that I finally told myself that I need to take a break.
Taking a break used to be a day on the beach, an afternoon in the mountains or an evening looking at the stars. Not this time.
Although I would love to do those things, I’d rather not, not at this stage in my life. I’d rather be in my room, with my bible, my journal, a liter of water and my towel.
For a long time, I have never allowed myself to stop and take a deep look at my life. I did the daily motions of living, existing to be exact. But never looked inside.
In those two days locked in my room, I began to acknowledge the emptiness in my heart, the struggles of missing a son and a daughter I have never met, the loneliness of being alone, and all other stuff that I denied ever existed...
I have not recovered. I don't know if I ever will.
It’s only by grace that I am able to press on. By faith I know something good will come out of this.
God is working and he is not through with me yet. To him be the glory!
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