Tuesday, December 19, 2006
A Full Heart
Like my previous birthday, it was a day to look at how I've grown the past year. It is almost always a struggle as the day approaches. Somehow, there is always the urge to just celebrate and let the days pass like my earlier birthdays.
Because of a family emergency, I drifted in and out of sleep, checking my cellphone for any missed calls or text messages, checking on my wife, etc. I got out of bed around 5:30am, played with the dog and then off to take a shower and a cup of chocolate drink.
By 6:30am, I had left the house, off to the 2nd nearest McDonald's for my first real breakfast in three weeks. Why not the nearest McDonald's? I didn't know. Somehow I felt God was telling me to be there.
After about thirty minutes, an old lady came in to seat at the table right in fron of me. She was about my mother's age and was mumbling to herself about 'highway robbery'. People began staring. I knew at that moment that she is not well. A few minutes later, a girl came and offered her breakfast she received them with a lot of gratitude. It was a glimpse from God!
Then God spoke: "See what happened? Let go. Let Me." My eyes welled up with tears. My mother is going to be ok. Everyone in the family is working as a team, she has a very compassionate doctor, she has the love of my father."It's ok to celebrate my birthday. It's ok to buy myself a gift. It's ok."
God then sprung up another surprise. No traffic, no long lines when I paid my housing loan. I was able to spent an hour and a half reading a book and reflecting on God's saving grace, not minding the two very rude Frenchmen at the next table nor the woman talking loudly over her cellphone. This is a time with God. Nothing will mess it up!
The mall opens and its time to shop for presents. Bought three. One for me, one for my wife and one for a very good friend. Used up most of the morning looking for them. Had lunch with God again.
Over lunch He asked, "Is there something else you want to do?" Yes, God, there is. I want to cook. And so I did. It was very comforting to be in the kitchen again after almost a year. Never mind that I only had two hours before I go to the office.
At the office I was met with presents on my table. Wow. First time I received more than one present on my birthday. I decided that I will open them on Christmas.
My heart is full. Sometimes one has to go through a lot of grief to be able to appreciate life to its fullest! God definitely has blessed me with such wonderful people.
God grant me the strength for what lies ahead. God grant me the courage to fulfill the calling You have set before me.
If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. -1 Peter 4:11
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
War Diaries: The Battle for the Mind!
What's bugging me?
A few years ago, I was in a seminar. Facilitator is talking... "You are a leader. Leadership begins in the mind!" Or something like that...
But my mind is more like a battlefield. Outside, I'm composed, calm and alert. But my mind is racing.
So many thoughts. The Enemy plays a movie in my head. The images are so clear. I cringe with shame. Did I actually do that? Yes, I did. So many dark secrets. If those things were played in the theater or even in the house, I would probably exile myself. Yet there is always a way out. I am no longer that person. Christ already took my place on the cross.
Then another movie. This time events where people did not so good things at me. Betrayal, abandonment, lies... Yes, they did. So many bad things. And the enemy plays it again and again, bringing out those emotions again. Anger, frustration, helplessness... There is another way out. With God's grace I will continue to forgive. He is my Defender, my Provider.
Then an offer: You deserve much more than you are receiving right now. Just turn your back on that calling of yours and you can have the abundance you deserve!
Tempting but no. My calling comes first.
Tonight I can sleep.
PS Thank you, Lord, for noticing. If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. -Exodus 33:13
Sunday, November 05, 2006
War Diaries: And the War Begins!
I only know of a few Christians who are very familiar with spiritual warfare. Most Christians believe that spiritual warfare is one where demons manifest and angels come out to fight them. Some see it as exorcism or some other paranormal thing. Well, these can be warfare too.
But the warfare I'm talking about is of the subtle type. One that you don't realize that you're in the middle of until you're already deeply wounded.
I didn't realize that the recent battle started the first week of October. There was this feeling of detachment and at the same time a deep feeling of loss and grief. I shove it off saying, "Well it's probably because one year ago this month.... It's normal, I'm OK. I'll get through this."
But I was not OK. I was putting up a strong front but deep inside I was hurting badly. I wanted to shut everything out just the way I used to but God specifically told me not to. I must never close my heart again, even if it hurts. His grace will see me through.
After I declared that I was no longer a ronin, intense warfare began. The enemy showed me my past. And for every 'film clip' of my life that was shown to me, God gave me enough strength to rebuke the accusations. For every clip, I was able to say with confidence, "God has already forgiven that."
So like any action movie, if the bad guys can't get to you, they'll go after your family.
And so it went. My mother had fractured her foot for the third time, my brother-in-law's family got into trouble with the mayor, and since the mayor's family owns the foundation that pays for my mother's medical bills things got more complicated. To make things even more interesting, my nephew's father-in-law is the head of the mayor's personal security. And just this morning, I learned that one of my uncles is dying. He had a stroke, was taken ICU and his family is just waiting for him to pass away.
I wept in the shower this morning. It was then that I realized that I was still in the battlefield and the enemy is attacking my family to get to me. And the battlefield is now even wider: family, career, ministry and finances.
So I'm in the trenches. I'm standing in the gap. I have a trowel on my left hand and a sword on my right. Sometimes things overwhelm me. And like a hurt child I curl up in my foxhole and just weep. There are just days when nothing in this world can take away the pain. A friend of mine calls it "spiritual open-heart surgery without anesthesia". My pastor calls it a period of trial, testing and temptation.
In the weeks that I'm in my foxhole I have been reminding myself of three things:
- God is not angry with me
- Something good will come out of this
- It is OK to cry or stay in bed
I'm still in my foxhole. I keep my mind occupied by counting my blessings and reminding myself of the many times God came through for me.
I'm in the middle of a war zone but I have peace, God's peace.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Ronin no longer...
A ronin (浪人, rōnin) was a masterless samurai during the feudal period (1185–1868) of Japan. A samurai became masterless from the ruin or fall of his master, or after the loss of his master's favor or privilege. Since a ronin doesn't serve any lord, he is no longer a samurai. A samurai is a "servant", since the noun came from the verb "saburau" which is the Japanese for "to serve". -Wikipedia
Wild at Heart is not a book for macho-types or in Eldredge's words, posers. It is for every man who walks under the burden of being the 'nice guy' while he grieves in silence for the void in his heart.
So which reminds me of my childhood.
I was so fascinated with warrior movies. Samurai, knights, gladiators, soldiers, etc. At the core of my being there is a heart of a warrior. I had daydreams of fighting battles, fighting dragons to rescue a princess, and living a grand adventure.
But as I grew up, I gave up those things for what the world has to offer. Things that are counterfeit. Things that kill the heart slowly. Yes, I too have lost my heart. I have lost the desire to fight for something worthwhile. I became a ronin.
Being true to the ronin lifestyle, I gave my allegiance to what was popular at any given time: activism, nationalism, human potential movement, new age philosophy, etc. None of those causes gave the deep joy that my heart desired.
I want to be a samurai not a ronin. But who will I serve? Who will be my lord, my daimyo? Who is the king that would want a fallen warrior as a servant? Who is the king that would give me another chance? Who is the king that would instruct me in the way of the warrior?
Then there is this story:
There was this kingdom entrusted to a man and his wife. The kingdom was known by many names, it was called Eden while some call it Paradise.
When the man and woman were still new to the kingdom, the King's enemy came by. Now this enemy was a warrior angel who rebelled against the King. He wanted to be king himself and started an uprising which eventually led to his defeat. Now he wants revenge. How? By turning the King's favorite subjects against Him.
He made and executed his plan. The wife sinned, and the man followed. When confronted by the King, the man said, "The woman you gave me as my give made me do it!" What a wimp! Yet few know that when the woman was being tempted, the man was with her! Why didn't he stand in the gap?
So from that day onwards, the kingdom fell into the hands of the enemy. The once-perfect world became a fallen, broken world. Man and woman, who used to walk with the King in the garden became fallen, broken beings.
For thousands of years, men and women were under the control of the enemy.
Then one day, around two thousand years ago, the King implemented the plan: the Plan for Salvation. It was the most daring infiltration to enemy territory: sending the King's Son deep into enemy territory! On that night, when the Son was born, the history of mankind changed.
Here is the One who will reclaim the Kingdom! The enemy made ways to kill the Son and succeeded thirty years later. Only to see the Son defeat death three days later.
Now that is the Lord I want to follow! That is the Lord that will teach me the Way. This is the Lord I will follow to the ends of the earth.
And today, I draw out my sword and offer it to my Lord. I offer my services to give glory to Him and advance His Kingdom!
Ronin no longer...
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Lord, Why Me?
This question has popped so often these past few weeks.
Things from my past... things that are happening now... things that I hoped that would happen but didn't...
Old familiar places: fear... hopelessness... discouragement... loss of heart... unfulfilled promises... unmet expectations... unrealistic views... disappointments... discontent... loss... sickness... grief... friends leaving... friends not calling back... family issues... work issues... ministry issues... faith issues...
"Lord, why me?"
I had waited for the longest time for answers. Waiting for the 'lamp' that would bring enough light for me to step on.
Waiting in the wilderness... waiting in the dark pit... waiting for something... no, anything to happen... but NOTHING. Not a thing!
"So it's back to endurance training now, huh, Lord? Test of patience? Test of submission?"
Impatience... resentment... anger... rebellion! Full-scale rebellion! Edging-God-Out! My way not His!
"Now what?"
"Are you asking me?"
"Yes, Lord, I'm asking You! What happens now? I have fallen again. I have fallen short. I have sinned. I've been selfish. I've been self-centered. I've been hard headed. And... and... and... I'm so sorry! I can't do this by myself anymore!"
I wept. Weeping does a lot of good for me. It allows me to pour out everything to God. EVERYTHING!
Fears... broken dreams... hopes... deep longings... needs... broken relationships...
"Why, Lord?"
"From your own pain, you will be able to help others. Through your own pain, you can reach out to the lost. Through your pain, you will find strength to stand in the gap for you know how it is like to be hurting. Through your pain, I make you stronger. Through your pain, you will glorify Me."
"What is it that You want from me?"
"I want You to abide in Me. Rely on me to be your Provider, your Shield, Strong Tower and Shelter. Press on! Follow the path I have laid for You. Remember the promises I made. Trust in those promises for I am faithful."
"Lord, I have failed so many times. I have done so many shameful things. Yet You say that I will be able to glorify You. Lord, out of all the people, WHY ME?"
"WHY NOT?"
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Waiting...
My brother and father were confused. What does a neurologist have to do with a fractured leg? (There are three nurses in our family and no one is explaining. I believe that AD may have already affected her psycho-motor functions.)
Alzheimer's is a dysfunction some people call 'the long goodbye'. It slowly destroys the human brain and its related functions.
I called home last night. I wanted to know what happened and it was one of the most difficult conversations I had with my mother.
How are you? Tatay said your were at the hospital?And then a very long silence… My mother can no longer talk longer than 30 seconds to me. Those long conversations with her are just a memory. We used to talk for thirty minutes over the phone. Now I only have 30 seconds. And 30 second later, she forgets that we ever talked.
Yes, I fell...
Waiting is such a very difficult thing to do. Waiting for healing. Waiting for a cure. Waiting for good news. Waiting for restoration. Waiting for God…
I remember a few nights ago when I was under so much spiritual attack. I know that God has plans for me,
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
And I know that these are so much better than I can ever imagine,
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" (1Cor2:9 NIV)Yes I believe in these promises. Yet I was so vulnerable. I told God, "God, our relationship is cool. I know that You can fulfill every desire in my heart that is aligned to Your will for me. But I need a hug. Not the spiritual kind. REAL hug. Please?"
So as I hang up the phone last night, I went out of the house and took a deep breath. It was time to take my questions to God. Why? When? How? Am I…?
So with a heavy heart I returned to the house. Sat down in front of the TV. Just looking, not watching.
Suddenly there were small arms wrapped around me. My niece was hugging me. She never did that before. I am usually the one who gives the hugs. Last night it was she. She just kept on hugging me and giggling. She kept stroking my beard and giggling. Her giggles filling the whole house!
No amount of sadness can withstand those giggles! Not even mine!
Then she tells me, 'Cut your hair. Shave your beard.' What? Where did she learn that? She starting to sound like my wife.
And then I find myself telling God, "This is too much! Hugs, yes. Giggles yes. But shaving my beard? You do have a sense of humor, don't You?"
So I got another glimpse of God's character: When He blesses, He blesses in abundance! He overwhelms us with His blessings.
So now I'm still waiting...
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
God and Kids...
So there I was at church by 8am. The door was still closed and I waited together with a family of four. The parents(members of the worship team) and their son and daughter.
When the doors opened, I went straight to setting the microphones on the stage. And who would be there? The little boy.
He would follow me around the stage and keep asking me for a microphone so he could sing. I only had a few minutes to set everything up before practice starts and I was a bit of confused on what to do with him so that I can do my job but I don't brush him off.
So what I did was to tell the kid, "Wait let me finish with this and you can sing when the mic is ready."
As I was talking to God this morning, He told me that I was just like that little boy. For some reason I kept asking God for things that I do not know how to handle yet. I was asking for a microphone but He was still setting everything up. He is preparing me and what I am being asked to do is go through the preparation process first.
So after the cables have been set, I told the kid, "Can you help me check the mic? Can you please say 'ssssound checkkkk' at every mic?" The smile and that twinkle in his eyes were just... priceless!
"You also beamed when I called you. That smile through those tears were just so priceless. When you came back, all the angels were celebrating your homecoming.
When I called you to your calling, and you said 'Yes!', I saw the same smile in your heart. Know my son that I have prepared everything and I won't ask you to do something you are not capable of. But I know you better than you know yourself. Unlike the child, you sometimes second-guess yourself. You sometimes ask for lots of confirmations about your call. You sometimes make excuses to disqualify yourself from your calling. Remember, I look at your heart, not your background, not your circumstances and never on your past mistakes."
After setting up the stage, I went to my sound booth. After setting everything up for the worship leaders, I started setting up for the sanctuary. I was enjoying the few uninterrupted minutes when suddenly, a small head suddenly popped out between me and the sound panel. Yes, it was the little boy again and he was hugging me!
My heart melted...
"My child, you have been wandering for a long time. Searching for an answer to the restlessness I have planted in your heart. You went to a lot of things that the world offered and you felt first-hand that none of the things of this world can put your heart at rest. I f your heart melted when that little boy hugged you, do I need to tell you how I feel whenever you come to my presence?"
I allowed the kid to look as I adjusted the settings on the panel. He was probably mesmerized by the lights, the knobs and the switches on the panel. He must have been observing how I pushed some buttons and slide some switches and then nod my head in approval.
"You are just like the kid. You look at things I have created with a certain awe. You look at your faith in simple terms. You have been trying to observe how I pushed and slide things around you. When you are ready, I will push and slide things through you. My hand will guide your hand."
With everything set and ready, I sat back and listened to the sounds around me. Listening for things that may need adjustment and then... "What happened!!!"
Oh well, the kid changed some settings, probably turned a knob too far or slid a switch way down. So what did I do? Fixed the settings again. No condemnation. No scolding. Just a pat on the head for the little kid who just wanted to help.
"Just like you. You sometimes can't wait to do things for me. Patience, my child. You will be ready soon. Wait on my timing. If you do something wrong, repent and learn from it. I will get you out."
So how did my Sunday end? I ended my day asking God for the blessing of having my own son and daughter someday. But I must get back to my training!
PS: Sometimes we need to be sensitive on how God works in our lives. Those 'interruptions' could in reality be divine appointments!Monday, July 10, 2006
"In your pain... give!"
I was in so much pain that night. Everything I valued broke into pieces and I felt that I, too, would break. Eventually my heart broke. My spirit soon followed.
I remember falling on my knees that night, crying out to God to take me home. I remember every accusation, every lie thrown against me. I remember calling to God for help. Help me make it through. I can't do it by my own strength. I remember that soft voice, the soft breeze. Be still and know I am God.
So I stayed still. But what about the pain? Staying still does not remove the pain!
Child, do as I did. In your pain...give. Give your all, even when in pain. Even when others leave you. Even when others betray you. Even when others lie straight to your face. Give even when they spit at you. Even when they crown you with thorns and crucify you! In your pain, GIVE!
Monday, July 03, 2006
God's on the move...
A few days ago, a young woman sat in front of me. Her eyes were puffy and most of the time, she hid her face on her lap. I wanted to offer a kind word to her but I didn't. I can't. I wasn't permitted, nor are we related. So I just sat and my heart broke for her heart.
Then I got thinking, How many times was I in the same situation? How many times did I weep and didn't allow God? How it must have broke God's heart that I was weeping and he wasn't allowed to do anything! Not that He can't but it's just I didn't allow Him to. And we were not related. (Yet.)
How it must have given Him immense joy when I finally allowed Him to, when I began to call on Him! It must have. How do I know? Because that is how I feel when my niece asks me to fix something for her, when she just wants to follow me around and asks me to carry her, when she just wants to hang around with me, doing nothing.
As I began to grow in my relationship with God, my desires became more simple. I no longer believe that the world revolves around me and my pain. Yet somehow it is comforting to know that the Maker of the universe would want to spend time with me and listen to me!
For the past few weeks, I feel like a child in awe of God. He is so big yet He is so close! I have tried my best to obey not because I was afraid, but because I love Him and I would like to know that I was able to make Him smile!
In the midst of the storms that I'm in, I look forward to those short moments when the rains stop, the sun peeks out and a rainbow shows itself: those rainbow moments that remind me that I have a super-strong God! A super-strong God and an Abba whose heart the universe can't even contain!
I'm very thankful to Abba! Whenever I think of His goodness my eyes begin to fill with tears. I can't even imagine the magnitude of His love. I look forward to the day when every aspect of my life begins to glorify His name!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Missing a Daughter I Haven’t Met
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It is almost two years from the day I decided that I want you in my life. Almost two years to the day I decided to let go of my fears. Almost two years to the day that I opened my heart to accept you.
Almost two years have passed and yet I haven’t met you. Almost two years wasted not knowing you. Almost two years of missing a daughter I never met.
When we will finally meet, you will recognize me. I will be the only man whose eyes will sparkle with tears. I will be the only man whose heart will beat like a locomotive. I will be the only man whose arms will shake as he holds you in a gentle embrace. I will be the first man who will thank God. I will be the first man who will say ‘I love you! I’ve been waiting for such a long time for you.’
When we take you home, our family is complete. You will meet a lot of people: grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and everyone else. But don’t worry, amidst all those people, you will be able to recognize me. I am the only man whose eyes still sparkle with tears, whose heart still beats like a locomotive, whose arms still shake as he holds you in a gentle embrace. I am the man who still is thanking God, the one who always whispers ‘I love you!’
When we can finally take you outdoors, I will introduce you to God. He is the one who sends the sunrise every morning, the one who sends the birds to sing you songs to welcome the morning. He is the one who created the sky, the trees, and the gentle breeze. He is the one who causes the sun to set so that we can see the moon and the stars. And He is the one who gave you to us.
When you can walk and run, we will show you how big the world is! We will take you to the beach to build sand castles. We will take you to the mountains to watch the birds. We will take you to the parks to watch flowers and chase butterflies. Or we can just stay at home and listen to the rain go pitter-patter on the roof as we wait for rainbows! We can blow bubbles and chase them all around! And you can dance to your heart’s delight! Amidst the big world you will recognize me. I will be the man who carries the pink pail and shovels as we build the castles, the one who will call out the birds, the one who will point to the rainbow, the one who will blow the bubbles with you, the one who will clap his hands as you do the twirl, the one who still whispers ‘I love you!’
When you begin to discover words, we will tell you wonderful stories. We will tell you stories about God, how He made the world, how He created Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. We will tell you about Noah and the first rainbow, about Moses, Samson, David, even Deborah, Esther and Ruth. I will tell you stories about Mary, Joseph and Jesus and his Apostles. We will tell you stories about how God loves us. We will paint pictures with words. We will hold you little hands as you pray before sleeping, we will kiss those soft cheeks. And as I tuck you into bed, I will whisper ‘I love you!’
When you begin to go to school, we will be there with you. We will show the world how proud we are of you. We will talk to you about school, about teachers and about the world around us. And we will tell you more stories. We will tell you about brave warriors like Arthur, Aragorn, Maximus and Wallace. We will tell you about captivating warriors like Guinevere, Eowyn, Arwen and Galadriel. We will tell you about the great adventure towards heaven! And you will notice that I have changed. I am no longer the strong man who has all the answers, but a man who makes a lot of mistakes in his quest of becoming a man after God’s own heart. Yet some things will remain the same, the sparkling eyes after every story, the big arms in a gentle embrace, and the soft whispers of ‘I love you!’
Years will pass swiftly and you are now a young lady. You will have your own world and your own life and you begin to see that mom and dad have changed. We can no longer understand you because, in your own words, we are ‘too old-fashioned, too protective’. Things will change but some things will remain the same. I will still be the man with teary eyes whenever I misunderstand you, I will still hug you whenever you are willing to be hugged; I will still whisper ‘I love you!’ even if you are not there.
Then one day, I will find myself on a very unforgettable moment, your wedding day. There will be lots of people, too. More people than the day when we first brought you home. How will you recognize me? I am one of the two men whose eyes are sparkling with tears. I am one of the two men whose hearts are beating like a locomotive. But, I will be the only man whose arms will shake as he holds you in a tight embrace. I will be the older man who will say ‘I love you!’
But I will no longer be the man who will say ‘I’ve been waiting for such a long time for you.’
Monday, June 05, 2006
Golf and God...
The guy thought for a moment and said, "There is one thing I would like, since I like playing golf so much, I would like a golf club."
"Very well then, a golf club it is." said the prince and bade the guy goodbye.
When the guy got home to his country, he waited excitedly for his golf club. "Would he give me one club, or a set? He can afford it since he is so rich. Or probably a gold-plated one with diamonds?" And so he waited. He waited for about three months and he finally said to himself, "Probably his royal highness forgot about my request. Anyway that's fine, he has a whole kingdom to rule and I have earned from my work with him so I'll just buy myself a golf club from the sports center."
Just as he was about to leave, a courier knocked on his door. His face beamed as he opened the door expecting his brand new golf club. His heart sank when the courier handed him an envelope from the prince.
As he opened the envelop, his eyes widened as he cannot believe what he just received. He received the ownership papers of one of the most luxurious golf courses in the world!
Isn't it just like me? I ask God for things I want and have no idea of what God is able to give me? I limit God to a 'golf club' when He can give me a 'golf course'!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
New Eyes
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As I was reading a book yesterday, I suddenly have some new insight on my own struggles. The author pointed out the following texts:
“Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory." -Psalm 50:15 NLT
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 'Teacher," his disciples asked him, "why was this man born blind? Was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?" "It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. "He was born blind so the power of God could be seen in him. –John 9:1-3For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him. –Philippians 1:29
And I was humbled. For many years, I prayed that God would use me as an instrument and in my mind I was looking at very large callings, a foundation, a feeding program, an orphanage, a fund-raising-drive. Never in my mind did it occur to me that my prayers have been answered but not in the way I wanted to. He has His own way and it is a very special way. And my birthday became an example on His faithfulness, on His perfect timing!
Which led me to reflect about Christmas. I guess the Nativity story that I am familiar with is the tamed version. You know, cute lambs, 3 wise men, little drummer boy… Is that it? The man whose birth will divide time into B.C. and A.D.?
Philip Yancey wrote something about it in The Jesus I Never Knew. Christ’s birth was an epic! Imagine a teenage girl about to be married to Joseph who could have been a leader in the church. Imagine her being pregnant and all she could say that an angel came to tell her she has conceived! At the risk of being stoned to death! Then came His birth in a manger. No one except animals and some shepherds. Then came the slaughter of the innocents and the exile to
Someone once said that “No one who meets Jesus ever stays the same.” That can be true of Mary. Imagine being asked to carry the Son of God in her womb! With the risk of being stoned to death! She even sang:
And Mary said: “ My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel, In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, To Abraham and to his seed forever.” Luke 1:46-55 NKJV
This would be the same Mary in exile in Egypt. The same Mary who would see Jesus being scourged and carrying His cross and eventually crucified. The same Mary depicted in Michelangelo’s Pieta. Jesus touched her life even before He was born!
What about the 12 apostles and all those who heard him preach? How about those who received miracles? Those whom He have saved from stoning? Those who dined and drank with Him? Those who have been healed by touching His cloak? Those who heard Him forgive those who crucified Him?
As I am writing this, I know I would never be able to read John 3:16 without my heart melting in gratitude. I know that I could never listen to “Amazing Grace” without tears in my eyes.
“No one who meets Jesus ever stays the same. He remains forever changed. "This was true 2,000 years ago. It is still true today.
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Perfect Prayer
So this led to an adventure in prayer. I must have brought around four books on prayer and realized that only a perfect prayer gets answered. So what makes a prayer a perfect one?
The past year has been an adventure in prayer. I have prayed using 'big' English words. I have prayed using words from my own dialect. I have tried novena prayers, daily prayer devotions, etc. I have had people pray for me, with me and over me. I have prayed kneeling, standing, lying, while jogging, while eating, while commuting, while working, etc. Although some prayers were answered, I never had the feeling that I have found the 'perfect prayer'.
So I began exploring prayer deeper. I look at the prayers uttered, posted, sang, by others. I looked at how they approached prayer. It left me more confused when I realized that my own prayers were not much different than theirs. There must be something going on that cannot be observed by sight, something supernatural must be happening.
And so I began to look deep into myself. I looked at my life closely if there is anything that is hindering my prayers. I looked at my motives, my desires, my longings. I looked at what I was actually praying for. This stage took the longest time. God revealed things in my life that I was reluctant to let go of.
One day, I felt I was at the end of my rope, and only God's intervention can rescue me. I gave up and let Him in. Like a vine dresser, He picked me up from the dirt and washed me clean. (Later, when I look back, I call that stage in my life 'White as snow.') Then He cut off anything in my life that is taking life from my heart. Then He started cutting away those attachments I had to my personal idols. He started cutting off those things in order to make me more like Him. It was a very painful process. I grieved for every part that was cut off, believing that those things were part of me. when if fact, those were not.
I was so naive to believe that after the pruning, all my prayers will be answered. No, not yet anyway. There was one thing left to be done.
One day I began looking towards Him and began to see myself through His eyes. It was a profound experience. I felt so much love that I thought my heart would burst. The deep thirst in my heart was finally quenched. My heart has finally found rest.
And what about the perfect prayer? Keep your eyes focused on Abba and He will teach you how to pray.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Grief Revisited…
No, I am not grieving for the death of a child, but I am grieving for something else. I guess when a dream dies, not only is it gone, but also takes with it all the things associated with the fullfillment of that dream.
My heart has been heavy over the weekend. Memories of a past life haunts me. A life of glory-seeking, the rush of adrenaline, the feeling of invincibility and being in control. A life that eventually led to spiritual death and eventually killed my heart.
For the past few days I have struggled with being EGO-driven again. Edging God Out. Waiting for "orders from the Boss" has taken a toll on my patience. Suddenly, going back to the old life seems so appealing. No need for waiting, just follow the desires of my heart and worry later. Then the following verses confronted me:
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV)What a wonderful reminder! As I look back at what is happening, I need to ask myself again and again, "Who am I?", "Whose am I?" and "Whose side am I?" The old life is gone. I need to let go in order to move forward. My plans pales in comparison to God's plans for me. I have made the choice and I will remain standing.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:10-17 NIV)Armor in place, sword drawn, shields up!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Two Years Hence...
Why life-changing?
To start with, you will face your fears, No cellphones, no alcohol, no internet, not even television to distract you or to hide behind. Then you get to discover your inner strength that you will learn to turn on or off like a light switch. And as an added bonus, you might get to know your life-purpose!
The idea of knowing my life purpose has been a quest for me, or to put it more accurately an obsession.I wanted to see how the pieces of my life fit. For example, I used to be an atheist. How will I reconcile it with the part of my life when I was a religious fanatic? Religious, yes, spiritual, no. How about the time when I wanted to be a guerrilla? And later wanted to join the military academy? How about my unique family experiences?
Surely, there must be a reason for these experiences. Otherwise my life would just be like a buffet. Spicy food here, bland food over here, sweet food over there. Just a myriad of things to be eaten just for the sake if it. Is my life just like that? Experiences on both extremes just for the sake of living? Truly, there must be a reason for the various events in my life. There must be something than just going to work. There must be something more than just accumulating wealth.
Two years ago, I met God. He showed me my life purpose! And I was so afraid that I shook and cried as I documented what He revealed. I didn't want it. I wanted something else!
Why was I afraid? The burden of that purpose is so big. I have my own burdens to carry. I can't carry anything more. I had to face the fact that I can no longer rely on my own power. That somehow I must surrender to a higher power and a higher purpose.
That night, He showed me something I will never forget. As I looked at the night sky, we had our first conversation in years:
"It's a nice evening sky You have here, God."
"I have created the heavens millions of years ago. I have placed each star in its place. I have chosen the size, color and brightness of each star. I made them because I knew you were coming tonight and needed to know of My love for you."
"Wow."
…
"By the way. About that life-purpose-thing, can I exchange it for another one? I don't think I can do it in this lifetime, I am not qualified, I'm afraid, I am not a good speaker…"
"You are beginning to sound like my servant Moses…"
"Oh so this is Your idea of a burning bush?"
"Don't worry about it. I will prepare you for the task ahead. I will give you the words, I will give you the strength, and I will give you the love and compassion you need. Just do one thing."
"What is it then that I should do?"
"Allow me to be your father."
The idea of allowing Him to be my father was simply crazy.
" Lord, God, Creator, Commander-in-Chief, Boss, yes. Father? No way. I can't. I won't. Too many wounds there. I think I'll run away."
A few months later, the 'storm' started. Opportunities closing, people withdrawing support from me, abandonement, betrayal, lies, etc. It was a very long period of trials. I remained confident that I can positively-think my way out of the mess I was in.
I didn't find a way out. Instead of accepting that I needed God, I went into denial. "Things are not that bad. I just need some diversion so that I won't think about the storm so much. Let me try religion and Church-ianity".
A year and a half later, I hit rock-bottom. I can't get lower than rock-bottom. It's an ugly place. A dark pit. The air sucks out the life in you. The loneliness kills your heart bit-by-bit. The soul dries up. There is a thirst that just can't be satisfied.
One night, I called out to Him. "I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I am weak. I need You. Tell me what I need to do."
"Ask for prayers. Trust those whose hearts have bled."
On October 9th, 2005, I took a leap of faith. I gave the biggest idol I have in my life. I allowed others to pray for me, to love me.
Since then, I have allowed God into those deep wounds. I watched as God, picked me up and wash the dirt off. I watched Him cut away the things in my life that stood between me and Him. Snip. Snip. Snip.
A lot of things happened since October 9th, most of then will have their own blog entries.
"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen." Romans 11:36 (NIV)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Travelling Light: my reflections
I realized that I was carrying burdens that I was never intended to carry. Maybe you have burdens too.
The burden of believing in a lesser God – For most of my life I believed God is watching over me in a way that He lists every sin and every thought so that come Judgment Day, I will be convicted. I found it difficult to see Him as a Father, probably because my own earthly father was mostly absent. It was difficult to believe that He is interested not only in my faith but also in my dreams, my work, my sorrows, my relationships. And the He sends me this song ‘I will be Yahweh who walks with you, you will be always within My heart,…strong and constant is My love.’ The same love He had when He created the universe is still the same love He has for me right now! This morning I cried out to Him, calling Him Abba. I sat on the floor, inviting Him to sit on the chair in front of me and finally resting my head on the chair where he sat. He gave me visions of the days in my life and He was there, in every moment. Clapping His hands, wiping tears, weeping, watching over me,… Abba, I am releasing this burden. I will carry it no longer...
The burden of self-reliance – Always wanting to do things my way. Abba, I wish to no longer carry this burden. Teach me to rely on You and not on myself. Teach me to be patient...
The burden of discontent – “I will be happy when ______.” It never happens. When I get it, I will want something more. Abba, teach me to seek joy and be content with what I have. You are my shepherd...
The burden of weariness – Always wanting to be there for everyone except myself. Abba, I am releasing this burden. I will carry it no longer. I will make sure that my body gets enough rest and that my heart and soul are adequately nourished...
The burden of worry – Abba, teach me to accept that You will do the right thing at the right time. Help me to let go of this burden so that I may be able to live in the moment. Help me to fill my mind only with thoughts that do not cause anxiety...
The burden of hopelessness – Abba, help me let go of this burden. When I feel hopeless, remind me that You always come through for me. Teach me not to place too much importance on my present hurts...
The burden of guilt – Abba, I will need a lot of help in releasing this burden. Help me to forgive others, too, that I may be able to accept Your forgiveness. Protect me from the lies continue to consume me...
The burden of fear – Abba, give me courage to face my own Garden of Gethsemane. I want to be honest enough to pour out my heart to You. I want to know that it is alright to lie down on the dirt. I want to know that it’s alright to sob in Your presence. I no longer want to run away and hide...
The burden of loneliness – Abba, You know what it was like for Jesus in the Garden. All His friends were asleep. But He was never lonely. You were there. And You know what its like for me right now. Out of this loneliness I have found You. Or was it You have found me? I know that I never have to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to be...
The burden of shame – Abba, how many times did I do the things I swore I would never do? Countless times. I feel the shame each time I fell. Each time I messed up. But in Your love, You called me back. You called me back to this Body. You called me to watch a sunrise with You. I am forever grateful. Help me release this burden...
The burden of disappointment – Abba, life has been a series of disappointments. Disappointments creating wounds, causing bitterness in my heart. Abba, I come to You with a broken heart. Teach me to trust You so that I can give this broken heart to You in exchange for a new one...
The burden of doubt – Abba, I know the You love me. But I always see myself unworthy of Your love. I want to run away from Your love because I feel so uncomfortable being loved while having doubts about my worthiness. Teach me to trust by faith and not by feelings, help me to see myself through Your eyes and not mine...
The burden of homesickness – Abba, there are times I want to come Home to You so bad. Yet I feel I am not ready to face You yet. I am broken, I wish to be whole before I come Home. I wish to do things for You. Please continue to send me those postcards of Home. I love it when You do. And please don't take away this burden...
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
At peace now...
Yet, God in His infinite goodness spoke through an email I received from www.griefshare.org:
"You may have an extra heaviness of heart because you are concerned that your lost loved one did not know Christ and that you will not see him or her in heaven. Remember, no one on earth can know another person's heart or eternal destiny. Only God knows that.
Keep a proper perspective as you work through this.
Dr. Joseph Stowell says: "The most important thing to remember is that God is fair and just and wise and loving. Whatever He does with your loved one will be fair and wise and just and loving. God cannot deny Himself. You do not know what your loved one did in that last flickering moment of life in the quietness of his or her soul. Just give your worries to God and say, 'God, You are a fair, loving, wise, just God, and my loved one is Yours, and whatever You do with him or her, I know that someday I will praise You for the wisdom of that decision.'"
It is through the grace of God that people can receive eternal life. We, as fallen humans, cannot fully understand grace. Grace is an undeserved gift of life from God to man. How fortunate we are to have such a loving God."
What an awesome God we have!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Grief...
I learned of his death by text message. I first met the news with disbelief. Minutes later, more text messages came in, coming from different people. It was only then that I realized it was all true.
I first met him around three years ago. He was a tall, thin guy. Months later, I got a chance to be one of his coaches. It was through this coaching relationship that I began to see the wonderful heart that God placed on his chest. Beneath the happy-go-lucky appearance, there was a young man who had a strong sense of love and duty to his family and friends. There was a creative spirit awaiting to be set free from fear. In the ninety days, he grew from a self-conscious young man to a confident leader.
I would always remember the last day of our coaching relationship. He thank me for all the support I have given him to attain his goal. Little did he know that he had also helped me. I believe that he helped me more than I have helped him. He made me believe that I can make a difference.
I have had many opportunities to work with him. At times, we were peers, at times he was my leader, at times he was the follower. Most of the time, we were just volunteers trying to make a difference. He was a very dependable guy. He was the person who be there first and the last one to leave. He was a silent leader.
In the three years I have known him, he has grown so much. I can even say that he has lived a fuller life than most of the people his age. He was a good son to his parents, a good brother to his three sisters.
A lot of things can be said about how he has made a difference in the lives of others whom he has served and loved.
The past few days have been very difficult, knowing that there won't be opportunities where we can just hang out and talk and laugh with him.
But God is very kind. Yesterday, I was reminded of His word, "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." (Hebrews 6:10 NIV).
My dear brother, our God is a rewarder. He will not forget how you have served and love His people. Rest is His arms. Receive your reward. We will miss you.
Till we meet in our Father's house...