Thursday, May 11, 2006
Two Years Hence...
Why life-changing?
To start with, you will face your fears, No cellphones, no alcohol, no internet, not even television to distract you or to hide behind. Then you get to discover your inner strength that you will learn to turn on or off like a light switch. And as an added bonus, you might get to know your life-purpose!
The idea of knowing my life purpose has been a quest for me, or to put it more accurately an obsession.I wanted to see how the pieces of my life fit. For example, I used to be an atheist. How will I reconcile it with the part of my life when I was a religious fanatic? Religious, yes, spiritual, no. How about the time when I wanted to be a guerrilla? And later wanted to join the military academy? How about my unique family experiences?
Surely, there must be a reason for these experiences. Otherwise my life would just be like a buffet. Spicy food here, bland food over here, sweet food over there. Just a myriad of things to be eaten just for the sake if it. Is my life just like that? Experiences on both extremes just for the sake of living? Truly, there must be a reason for the various events in my life. There must be something than just going to work. There must be something more than just accumulating wealth.
Two years ago, I met God. He showed me my life purpose! And I was so afraid that I shook and cried as I documented what He revealed. I didn't want it. I wanted something else!
Why was I afraid? The burden of that purpose is so big. I have my own burdens to carry. I can't carry anything more. I had to face the fact that I can no longer rely on my own power. That somehow I must surrender to a higher power and a higher purpose.
That night, He showed me something I will never forget. As I looked at the night sky, we had our first conversation in years:
"It's a nice evening sky You have here, God."
"I have created the heavens millions of years ago. I have placed each star in its place. I have chosen the size, color and brightness of each star. I made them because I knew you were coming tonight and needed to know of My love for you."
"Wow."
…
"By the way. About that life-purpose-thing, can I exchange it for another one? I don't think I can do it in this lifetime, I am not qualified, I'm afraid, I am not a good speaker…"
"You are beginning to sound like my servant Moses…"
"Oh so this is Your idea of a burning bush?"
"Don't worry about it. I will prepare you for the task ahead. I will give you the words, I will give you the strength, and I will give you the love and compassion you need. Just do one thing."
"What is it then that I should do?"
"Allow me to be your father."
The idea of allowing Him to be my father was simply crazy.
" Lord, God, Creator, Commander-in-Chief, Boss, yes. Father? No way. I can't. I won't. Too many wounds there. I think I'll run away."
A few months later, the 'storm' started. Opportunities closing, people withdrawing support from me, abandonement, betrayal, lies, etc. It was a very long period of trials. I remained confident that I can positively-think my way out of the mess I was in.
I didn't find a way out. Instead of accepting that I needed God, I went into denial. "Things are not that bad. I just need some diversion so that I won't think about the storm so much. Let me try religion and Church-ianity".
A year and a half later, I hit rock-bottom. I can't get lower than rock-bottom. It's an ugly place. A dark pit. The air sucks out the life in you. The loneliness kills your heart bit-by-bit. The soul dries up. There is a thirst that just can't be satisfied.
One night, I called out to Him. "I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I am weak. I need You. Tell me what I need to do."
"Ask for prayers. Trust those whose hearts have bled."
On October 9th, 2005, I took a leap of faith. I gave the biggest idol I have in my life. I allowed others to pray for me, to love me.
Since then, I have allowed God into those deep wounds. I watched as God, picked me up and wash the dirt off. I watched Him cut away the things in my life that stood between me and Him. Snip. Snip. Snip.
A lot of things happened since October 9th, most of then will have their own blog entries.
"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen." Romans 11:36 (NIV)
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