Wednesday, November 22, 2006
War Diaries: The Battle for the Mind!
What's bugging me?
A few years ago, I was in a seminar. Facilitator is talking... "You are a leader. Leadership begins in the mind!" Or something like that...
But my mind is more like a battlefield. Outside, I'm composed, calm and alert. But my mind is racing.
So many thoughts. The Enemy plays a movie in my head. The images are so clear. I cringe with shame. Did I actually do that? Yes, I did. So many dark secrets. If those things were played in the theater or even in the house, I would probably exile myself. Yet there is always a way out. I am no longer that person. Christ already took my place on the cross.
Then another movie. This time events where people did not so good things at me. Betrayal, abandonment, lies... Yes, they did. So many bad things. And the enemy plays it again and again, bringing out those emotions again. Anger, frustration, helplessness... There is another way out. With God's grace I will continue to forgive. He is my Defender, my Provider.
Then an offer: You deserve much more than you are receiving right now. Just turn your back on that calling of yours and you can have the abundance you deserve!
Tempting but no. My calling comes first.
Tonight I can sleep.
PS Thank you, Lord, for noticing. If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. -Exodus 33:13
Sunday, November 05, 2006
War Diaries: And the War Begins!
I only know of a few Christians who are very familiar with spiritual warfare. Most Christians believe that spiritual warfare is one where demons manifest and angels come out to fight them. Some see it as exorcism or some other paranormal thing. Well, these can be warfare too.
But the warfare I'm talking about is of the subtle type. One that you don't realize that you're in the middle of until you're already deeply wounded.
I didn't realize that the recent battle started the first week of October. There was this feeling of detachment and at the same time a deep feeling of loss and grief. I shove it off saying, "Well it's probably because one year ago this month.... It's normal, I'm OK. I'll get through this."
But I was not OK. I was putting up a strong front but deep inside I was hurting badly. I wanted to shut everything out just the way I used to but God specifically told me not to. I must never close my heart again, even if it hurts. His grace will see me through.
After I declared that I was no longer a ronin, intense warfare began. The enemy showed me my past. And for every 'film clip' of my life that was shown to me, God gave me enough strength to rebuke the accusations. For every clip, I was able to say with confidence, "God has already forgiven that."
So like any action movie, if the bad guys can't get to you, they'll go after your family.
And so it went. My mother had fractured her foot for the third time, my brother-in-law's family got into trouble with the mayor, and since the mayor's family owns the foundation that pays for my mother's medical bills things got more complicated. To make things even more interesting, my nephew's father-in-law is the head of the mayor's personal security. And just this morning, I learned that one of my uncles is dying. He had a stroke, was taken ICU and his family is just waiting for him to pass away.
I wept in the shower this morning. It was then that I realized that I was still in the battlefield and the enemy is attacking my family to get to me. And the battlefield is now even wider: family, career, ministry and finances.
So I'm in the trenches. I'm standing in the gap. I have a trowel on my left hand and a sword on my right. Sometimes things overwhelm me. And like a hurt child I curl up in my foxhole and just weep. There are just days when nothing in this world can take away the pain. A friend of mine calls it "spiritual open-heart surgery without anesthesia". My pastor calls it a period of trial, testing and temptation.
In the weeks that I'm in my foxhole I have been reminding myself of three things:
- God is not angry with me
- Something good will come out of this
- It is OK to cry or stay in bed
I'm still in my foxhole. I keep my mind occupied by counting my blessings and reminding myself of the many times God came through for me.
I'm in the middle of a war zone but I have peace, God's peace.
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