Tuesday, May 30, 2006
New Eyes
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As I was reading a book yesterday, I suddenly have some new insight on my own struggles. The author pointed out the following texts:
“Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory." -Psalm 50:15 NLT
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 'Teacher," his disciples asked him, "why was this man born blind? Was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?" "It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. "He was born blind so the power of God could be seen in him. –John 9:1-3For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him. –Philippians 1:29
And I was humbled. For many years, I prayed that God would use me as an instrument and in my mind I was looking at very large callings, a foundation, a feeding program, an orphanage, a fund-raising-drive. Never in my mind did it occur to me that my prayers have been answered but not in the way I wanted to. He has His own way and it is a very special way. And my birthday became an example on His faithfulness, on His perfect timing!
Which led me to reflect about Christmas. I guess the Nativity story that I am familiar with is the tamed version. You know, cute lambs, 3 wise men, little drummer boy… Is that it? The man whose birth will divide time into B.C. and A.D.?
Philip Yancey wrote something about it in The Jesus I Never Knew. Christ’s birth was an epic! Imagine a teenage girl about to be married to Joseph who could have been a leader in the church. Imagine her being pregnant and all she could say that an angel came to tell her she has conceived! At the risk of being stoned to death! Then came His birth in a manger. No one except animals and some shepherds. Then came the slaughter of the innocents and the exile to
Someone once said that “No one who meets Jesus ever stays the same.” That can be true of Mary. Imagine being asked to carry the Son of God in her womb! With the risk of being stoned to death! She even sang:
And Mary said: “ My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel, In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, To Abraham and to his seed forever.” Luke 1:46-55 NKJV
This would be the same Mary in exile in Egypt. The same Mary who would see Jesus being scourged and carrying His cross and eventually crucified. The same Mary depicted in Michelangelo’s Pieta. Jesus touched her life even before He was born!
What about the 12 apostles and all those who heard him preach? How about those who received miracles? Those whom He have saved from stoning? Those who dined and drank with Him? Those who have been healed by touching His cloak? Those who heard Him forgive those who crucified Him?
As I am writing this, I know I would never be able to read John 3:16 without my heart melting in gratitude. I know that I could never listen to “Amazing Grace” without tears in my eyes.
“No one who meets Jesus ever stays the same. He remains forever changed. "This was true 2,000 years ago. It is still true today.
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Perfect Prayer
So this led to an adventure in prayer. I must have brought around four books on prayer and realized that only a perfect prayer gets answered. So what makes a prayer a perfect one?
The past year has been an adventure in prayer. I have prayed using 'big' English words. I have prayed using words from my own dialect. I have tried novena prayers, daily prayer devotions, etc. I have had people pray for me, with me and over me. I have prayed kneeling, standing, lying, while jogging, while eating, while commuting, while working, etc. Although some prayers were answered, I never had the feeling that I have found the 'perfect prayer'.
So I began exploring prayer deeper. I look at the prayers uttered, posted, sang, by others. I looked at how they approached prayer. It left me more confused when I realized that my own prayers were not much different than theirs. There must be something going on that cannot be observed by sight, something supernatural must be happening.
And so I began to look deep into myself. I looked at my life closely if there is anything that is hindering my prayers. I looked at my motives, my desires, my longings. I looked at what I was actually praying for. This stage took the longest time. God revealed things in my life that I was reluctant to let go of.
One day, I felt I was at the end of my rope, and only God's intervention can rescue me. I gave up and let Him in. Like a vine dresser, He picked me up from the dirt and washed me clean. (Later, when I look back, I call that stage in my life 'White as snow.') Then He cut off anything in my life that is taking life from my heart. Then He started cutting away those attachments I had to my personal idols. He started cutting off those things in order to make me more like Him. It was a very painful process. I grieved for every part that was cut off, believing that those things were part of me. when if fact, those were not.
I was so naive to believe that after the pruning, all my prayers will be answered. No, not yet anyway. There was one thing left to be done.
One day I began looking towards Him and began to see myself through His eyes. It was a profound experience. I felt so much love that I thought my heart would burst. The deep thirst in my heart was finally quenched. My heart has finally found rest.
And what about the perfect prayer? Keep your eyes focused on Abba and He will teach you how to pray.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Grief Revisited…
No, I am not grieving for the death of a child, but I am grieving for something else. I guess when a dream dies, not only is it gone, but also takes with it all the things associated with the fullfillment of that dream.
My heart has been heavy over the weekend. Memories of a past life haunts me. A life of glory-seeking, the rush of adrenaline, the feeling of invincibility and being in control. A life that eventually led to spiritual death and eventually killed my heart.
For the past few days I have struggled with being EGO-driven again. Edging God Out. Waiting for "orders from the Boss" has taken a toll on my patience. Suddenly, going back to the old life seems so appealing. No need for waiting, just follow the desires of my heart and worry later. Then the following verses confronted me:
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV)What a wonderful reminder! As I look back at what is happening, I need to ask myself again and again, "Who am I?", "Whose am I?" and "Whose side am I?" The old life is gone. I need to let go in order to move forward. My plans pales in comparison to God's plans for me. I have made the choice and I will remain standing.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:10-17 NIV)Armor in place, sword drawn, shields up!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Two Years Hence...
Why life-changing?
To start with, you will face your fears, No cellphones, no alcohol, no internet, not even television to distract you or to hide behind. Then you get to discover your inner strength that you will learn to turn on or off like a light switch. And as an added bonus, you might get to know your life-purpose!
The idea of knowing my life purpose has been a quest for me, or to put it more accurately an obsession.I wanted to see how the pieces of my life fit. For example, I used to be an atheist. How will I reconcile it with the part of my life when I was a religious fanatic? Religious, yes, spiritual, no. How about the time when I wanted to be a guerrilla? And later wanted to join the military academy? How about my unique family experiences?
Surely, there must be a reason for these experiences. Otherwise my life would just be like a buffet. Spicy food here, bland food over here, sweet food over there. Just a myriad of things to be eaten just for the sake if it. Is my life just like that? Experiences on both extremes just for the sake of living? Truly, there must be a reason for the various events in my life. There must be something than just going to work. There must be something more than just accumulating wealth.
Two years ago, I met God. He showed me my life purpose! And I was so afraid that I shook and cried as I documented what He revealed. I didn't want it. I wanted something else!
Why was I afraid? The burden of that purpose is so big. I have my own burdens to carry. I can't carry anything more. I had to face the fact that I can no longer rely on my own power. That somehow I must surrender to a higher power and a higher purpose.
That night, He showed me something I will never forget. As I looked at the night sky, we had our first conversation in years:
"It's a nice evening sky You have here, God."
"I have created the heavens millions of years ago. I have placed each star in its place. I have chosen the size, color and brightness of each star. I made them because I knew you were coming tonight and needed to know of My love for you."
"Wow."
…
"By the way. About that life-purpose-thing, can I exchange it for another one? I don't think I can do it in this lifetime, I am not qualified, I'm afraid, I am not a good speaker…"
"You are beginning to sound like my servant Moses…"
"Oh so this is Your idea of a burning bush?"
"Don't worry about it. I will prepare you for the task ahead. I will give you the words, I will give you the strength, and I will give you the love and compassion you need. Just do one thing."
"What is it then that I should do?"
"Allow me to be your father."
The idea of allowing Him to be my father was simply crazy.
" Lord, God, Creator, Commander-in-Chief, Boss, yes. Father? No way. I can't. I won't. Too many wounds there. I think I'll run away."
A few months later, the 'storm' started. Opportunities closing, people withdrawing support from me, abandonement, betrayal, lies, etc. It was a very long period of trials. I remained confident that I can positively-think my way out of the mess I was in.
I didn't find a way out. Instead of accepting that I needed God, I went into denial. "Things are not that bad. I just need some diversion so that I won't think about the storm so much. Let me try religion and Church-ianity".
A year and a half later, I hit rock-bottom. I can't get lower than rock-bottom. It's an ugly place. A dark pit. The air sucks out the life in you. The loneliness kills your heart bit-by-bit. The soul dries up. There is a thirst that just can't be satisfied.
One night, I called out to Him. "I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I am weak. I need You. Tell me what I need to do."
"Ask for prayers. Trust those whose hearts have bled."
On October 9th, 2005, I took a leap of faith. I gave the biggest idol I have in my life. I allowed others to pray for me, to love me.
Since then, I have allowed God into those deep wounds. I watched as God, picked me up and wash the dirt off. I watched Him cut away the things in my life that stood between me and Him. Snip. Snip. Snip.
A lot of things happened since October 9th, most of then will have their own blog entries.
"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen." Romans 11:36 (NIV)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Travelling Light: my reflections
I realized that I was carrying burdens that I was never intended to carry. Maybe you have burdens too.
The burden of believing in a lesser God – For most of my life I believed God is watching over me in a way that He lists every sin and every thought so that come Judgment Day, I will be convicted. I found it difficult to see Him as a Father, probably because my own earthly father was mostly absent. It was difficult to believe that He is interested not only in my faith but also in my dreams, my work, my sorrows, my relationships. And the He sends me this song ‘I will be Yahweh who walks with you, you will be always within My heart,…strong and constant is My love.’ The same love He had when He created the universe is still the same love He has for me right now! This morning I cried out to Him, calling Him Abba. I sat on the floor, inviting Him to sit on the chair in front of me and finally resting my head on the chair where he sat. He gave me visions of the days in my life and He was there, in every moment. Clapping His hands, wiping tears, weeping, watching over me,… Abba, I am releasing this burden. I will carry it no longer...
The burden of self-reliance – Always wanting to do things my way. Abba, I wish to no longer carry this burden. Teach me to rely on You and not on myself. Teach me to be patient...
The burden of discontent – “I will be happy when ______.” It never happens. When I get it, I will want something more. Abba, teach me to seek joy and be content with what I have. You are my shepherd...
The burden of weariness – Always wanting to be there for everyone except myself. Abba, I am releasing this burden. I will carry it no longer. I will make sure that my body gets enough rest and that my heart and soul are adequately nourished...
The burden of worry – Abba, teach me to accept that You will do the right thing at the right time. Help me to let go of this burden so that I may be able to live in the moment. Help me to fill my mind only with thoughts that do not cause anxiety...
The burden of hopelessness – Abba, help me let go of this burden. When I feel hopeless, remind me that You always come through for me. Teach me not to place too much importance on my present hurts...
The burden of guilt – Abba, I will need a lot of help in releasing this burden. Help me to forgive others, too, that I may be able to accept Your forgiveness. Protect me from the lies continue to consume me...
The burden of fear – Abba, give me courage to face my own Garden of Gethsemane. I want to be honest enough to pour out my heart to You. I want to know that it is alright to lie down on the dirt. I want to know that it’s alright to sob in Your presence. I no longer want to run away and hide...
The burden of loneliness – Abba, You know what it was like for Jesus in the Garden. All His friends were asleep. But He was never lonely. You were there. And You know what its like for me right now. Out of this loneliness I have found You. Or was it You have found me? I know that I never have to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to be...
The burden of shame – Abba, how many times did I do the things I swore I would never do? Countless times. I feel the shame each time I fell. Each time I messed up. But in Your love, You called me back. You called me back to this Body. You called me to watch a sunrise with You. I am forever grateful. Help me release this burden...
The burden of disappointment – Abba, life has been a series of disappointments. Disappointments creating wounds, causing bitterness in my heart. Abba, I come to You with a broken heart. Teach me to trust You so that I can give this broken heart to You in exchange for a new one...
The burden of doubt – Abba, I know the You love me. But I always see myself unworthy of Your love. I want to run away from Your love because I feel so uncomfortable being loved while having doubts about my worthiness. Teach me to trust by faith and not by feelings, help me to see myself through Your eyes and not mine...
The burden of homesickness – Abba, there are times I want to come Home to You so bad. Yet I feel I am not ready to face You yet. I am broken, I wish to be whole before I come Home. I wish to do things for You. Please continue to send me those postcards of Home. I love it when You do. And please don't take away this burden...
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
At peace now...
Yet, God in His infinite goodness spoke through an email I received from www.griefshare.org:
"You may have an extra heaviness of heart because you are concerned that your lost loved one did not know Christ and that you will not see him or her in heaven. Remember, no one on earth can know another person's heart or eternal destiny. Only God knows that.
Keep a proper perspective as you work through this.
Dr. Joseph Stowell says: "The most important thing to remember is that God is fair and just and wise and loving. Whatever He does with your loved one will be fair and wise and just and loving. God cannot deny Himself. You do not know what your loved one did in that last flickering moment of life in the quietness of his or her soul. Just give your worries to God and say, 'God, You are a fair, loving, wise, just God, and my loved one is Yours, and whatever You do with him or her, I know that someday I will praise You for the wisdom of that decision.'"
It is through the grace of God that people can receive eternal life. We, as fallen humans, cannot fully understand grace. Grace is an undeserved gift of life from God to man. How fortunate we are to have such a loving God."
What an awesome God we have!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Grief...
I learned of his death by text message. I first met the news with disbelief. Minutes later, more text messages came in, coming from different people. It was only then that I realized it was all true.
I first met him around three years ago. He was a tall, thin guy. Months later, I got a chance to be one of his coaches. It was through this coaching relationship that I began to see the wonderful heart that God placed on his chest. Beneath the happy-go-lucky appearance, there was a young man who had a strong sense of love and duty to his family and friends. There was a creative spirit awaiting to be set free from fear. In the ninety days, he grew from a self-conscious young man to a confident leader.
I would always remember the last day of our coaching relationship. He thank me for all the support I have given him to attain his goal. Little did he know that he had also helped me. I believe that he helped me more than I have helped him. He made me believe that I can make a difference.
I have had many opportunities to work with him. At times, we were peers, at times he was my leader, at times he was the follower. Most of the time, we were just volunteers trying to make a difference. He was a very dependable guy. He was the person who be there first and the last one to leave. He was a silent leader.
In the three years I have known him, he has grown so much. I can even say that he has lived a fuller life than most of the people his age. He was a good son to his parents, a good brother to his three sisters.
A lot of things can be said about how he has made a difference in the lives of others whom he has served and loved.
The past few days have been very difficult, knowing that there won't be opportunities where we can just hang out and talk and laugh with him.
But God is very kind. Yesterday, I was reminded of His word, "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." (Hebrews 6:10 NIV).
My dear brother, our God is a rewarder. He will not forget how you have served and love His people. Rest is His arms. Receive your reward. We will miss you.
Till we meet in our Father's house...