scribbling in His universe: 2007

Monday, December 10, 2007

40 days...

It's been 40 days since my mother died…

She was in and out of the hospital for at least three times this year. When my sister told me that my mother was in the ER and was unconscious, I knew that I had to go home.

It was November 1st, most flights were booked but I managed to find a budget airline the would depart on the same day. By 130PM, I was in the office, sending out instructions on what needs to be done in the next few days that I will be out. By this time, I could no longer contact anyone at home.

At around 230PM, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. My first instinct was to get a glass of water. Then I prayed: "Lord, I wanted to much to be home right now. But if You would like to take her now, it's ok. Whether she makes it or not, I will still love You."
About 15 minutes later, my sister texted me: "She's gone." She called a few minutes later to talk about funeral plans. I talked to my father too.

After the call, I walked to the restroom, locked myself in one of the cubicles and wept. And I prayed, "Lord, give me the grace to get through this. Give me a faith strong enough to carry my family through."
I talked to my wife over the phone. She offered to take me to the airport, I declined.

Burned Out

A few weeks ago, I found myself burned out. Again.

I didn't listen to the subtle signs: lack of appetite, loss of interest in my hobbies, detachment, insomnia, etc. It was only when I began spending long hours playing computer games, killing aliens, that I finally told myself that I need to take a break.

Taking a break used to be a day on the beach, an afternoon in the mountains or an evening looking at the stars. Not this time.

Although I would love to do those things, I’d rather not, not at this stage in my life. I’d rather be in my room, with my bible, my journal, a liter of water and my towel.

For a long time, I have never allowed myself to stop and take a deep look at my life. I did the daily motions of living, existing to be exact. But never looked inside.

In those two days locked in my room, I began to acknowledge the emptiness in my heart, the struggles of missing a son and a daughter I have never met, the loneliness of being alone, and all other stuff that I denied ever existed...

Life Verse

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

I first heard about the concept of a life verse around a year and a half ago. When I heard of it, I began looking for favorite verses from the Bible which has special meaning to me.

The passages above hold a special meaning for me. Not only did those verses save my life, but they are a source of comfort in the frequent wilderness experiences I have had recently.

In those verses are promises. Promises that, for me, adresses all my needs.

The promise of Provision("… prosper you..") - God is Jehovah-Jireh, the God-Who provides. He always provides, adequately when the time comes. I used to struggle with this: will God only provide what I need, or will He also provide my wants?

I have observed parents who, trying to maximize value, will tend to buy cheap things for their kids. Yet the same parents would also from time to time buy something beyond their budget. That is also true for me. There are times when I take the least expensive route but from time to time I splurge. In both instances, one thing holds true: my spending is not dependent on how good or bad the recepient is, but is dependent on how much I want to bless the person.

From this point of view, would God also provide my wants? Definitely!

The Door of Full Surrender

TGIF DEVOTIONAL
The Door of Full Surrender

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. - Job 23:10
I was recently sitting with the leader of a workplace organization as he described a question he poses to workplace believers. "What if there were two doors to choose from; behind one door was the complete will of God for your life and behind the other door was how life could be according to your own preference. Which door would you choose?" The struggle for most lies in the desire to follow God completely and the fear of what might be behind the door of full surrender. Most of us desire to follow God, but few of us will do it at any cost. We do not really believe that God loves us to the degree that we are willing to give Him complete permission to do as He wills in us.

If we desire to fully walk with Christ, there is a cost. We may give intellectual assent and go along with His principles and do fine; however, if we are fully given over to Him and His will for our life, it will be a life that will have adversity. The Bible is clear that humans do not achieve greatness without having their sinful will broken. This process is designed to create a nature change in each of us, not just a habit change. The Bible calls it circumcision. Circumcision is painful, bloody, and personal.

If God has plans to greatly use you in the lives of others, you can expect your trials to be even greater than those of others. Why? Because, like Joseph who went through greater trials than most patriarchs, your calling may have such responsibility that God cannot afford to entrust it to you without ensuring your complete faithfulness to the call. He has much invested in you on behalf of others. He may want to speak through your life to a greater degree than through another. The events of your life would become the frame for the message He wants to speak through you.

Do not fear the path that God may lead you on. Embrace it. For God may bring you down a path in your life to ensure the reward of your inheritance. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Strength of Brokeness

Now I understand...

The Strength of Brokenness by Os Hillman

The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength. - 1 Samuel 2:4

There is an oxymoron throughout the Bible. It says that brokenness is strength. How can this be? How can brokenness be strength? In order to use men and women to their fullest extent, the Lord has to break His servants so that they might have a new kind of strength that is not human in origin. It is strength in spirit that is born only through brokenness.

Paul was broken on the Damascus road. Peter was broken after Jesus was taken prisoner. Jacob was broken at Peniel. David was broken after his sin with Bathsheba. The list could go on of those the Lord had to break in different ways before they could be used in the Kingdom.
When we are broken, we see the frailty of human strength and come to grips with the reality that we can do nothing in our own strength. Then, new strength emerges that God uses mightily. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Do not fear brokenness, for it may be the missing ingredient to a life that emerges with a new kind of strength and experience not known before. Pray for a broken and contrite heart that God can bless.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

なぜ？

神、いつもお世話になっております。

最近、僕の気持ちが悪いになりました。体が気がありませんでした。教会の生活もう大変になりました。どうしても分からないので教えてくれませんか？

なぜが仕事を大変になって、分からない。　前に、私が仕事から喜びをそんなに得た。神、どこに感が間違った？

心も悲しいになった。僕の道が暗いに。お願い、救って下さい。

言葉、約束に信じています．．．

神の愛に頼り．．．

神に待って．．．

Made Me Glad by Michael Neale

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Sea Lion

Once upon a time here lived a sea lion who had lost the sea. He lived in a country known as the barren lands. High on a plateau, far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dusty that it could only be called a desert. A kind of course grass grew in patches here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes the wind, which together made one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you, a sea lion. But things like these do happen.

How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no one could remember. It all seemed so very long ago, in fact, it appeared as though he had always been there. Not that he belonged in such an arid place. How could that be? He was, after all, a sea lion. But as you know, once you have lived so long in a certain spot, no matter how odd, you come to think of it as home.

There was a time, many years back, when the sea lion knew he was lost. In those days, he would stop every traveler he met to see if he might help him find his way back to the sea. But no one seemed to know the way.

On he searched, but never finding. After years without success, the sea lion took refuge beneath a solitary tree beside a very small water hole. The tree providded refuge from the burning rays of the sun., which was very fierce in that place. And the water hole, though small and muddy, was wet, in its own way. Here he setled down and got on as best he could. Had you journeyed in those days through the barren lands, you might have seen the sea lion for your self. Quite often in the evening, he would go and sit upon his favourite rock, a very large boulder, which lifted him off the burning sand and allowed him a view of the entire country.

There he would remain for hours into the night, silhoutted against the sky. And on the best of nights, when the wind shifted to the east, a faint smell of salt air would come to him on the breeze. Then he would close his eyes and imagine himslef once more at the sea. When he lay himself down to sleep, he would dream of a vast, deep ocean. Twisting and turning, diving and twirling, he would swim and swim. When he woke, he thought he heard the sound of breakers.....

The sea was calling to him.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Electrical Tape and Band-Aid

A funny thing happened this afternoon: my five-year-old sandal gave up on me, right in the middle of an uptown skywalk. Nabitas! I dragged my foot three flights of stairs so that the sole won't be detached from the rest of the sandal.

I was able to buy black electrical tape from a hardware store and walked towards the restroom. And right in the middle of the restroom the sole detached completely. All I could say was: hala nabitas! Then using the tape, I was able to attach both pieces together and walked away.

It was like a commercial for Mentos.

As I was looking for a new pair of sandals, God spoke: hey isn't that just like YOUR life?

Abba, give us the faith to let go of the momentary relief the world offers, give us the courage to choose the complete healing only You can give.

Abba, I lift up to You family and friends who are still captives to alcohol, smoking and gambling, those who have built walls around themselves, those who have caged themselves in, those who are under the control of depression and those still deceived by Enemy.

Abba, I place them at the foot of Your cross and I stand in the gap for them.

What do you mean? No response.

What did He mean by that? I had some time to think about it.

Then I saw things clearly. How many times have I neglected things that are truly important? How many times have I ran away? How many times have I avoided heart issues?

Is it only me or do most men do it too? As men, we have been taught that manhood is equal to physical strength and that listening to one's heart is a weakness.

When the heart is sick, we turn to hobbies, alcohol, porn, gambling, money, anything that would fill the emptiness momentarily. Band-aids. That's what I call them. Stick them over the wound and we're ok. Are we really ok?

I have my own band-aids too. And honestly, they provide little comfort. Why do we do this? Why do I do this?

A Letter to a Son

Almost a year ago, I wrote a letter to your sister. I was hoping to make you a letter as soon as possible but wasn't able to.

I really don't know where to begin but let me start by telling you I love you and I am so blessed to have you, your mom and your sister in my life.

You see, son, I have waited more than five years for you. During those years I knew God was preparing me to become a good father.

I never knew my father the way I would have wanted to. He was mostly away, working overseas for the family. I used to resent him for not being there as I was growing up. But when I learned that he was an orphan, I understood why he did what he did.

Healing took time. In my case it took five years. Five years to be confident that I can be a good father. Five years to tame the anger and indifference. Five years to learn how to live fully and love unconditionally.

Son, I will make sure to spend as much time as I can with you. I will teach you things I should have learned when I was young. Things such as:

He still moves mountains...

It hit me like an approaching train. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of grief. No family, no home...

The restlessness sets in. Lies fall like arrows from an unseen Enemy. Bad... Not enough... Too much... Unloved... Unwanted

My soul has become weary as it searches for some sort of sanctuary, longing for just enough hope I can cling to. Looking for acceptance in a broken world...

Abba, You said that Your plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. I have clinged to this promise for so long. And I will cling to it some more.

Strengthen me as I await healing and restoration. Strengthen me as I serve the purpose You have for my life. Strengthen me as I fight for those whom I love dearly.

Abba, I know you still move mountains.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Rising up again...

I find it somewhat amusing that the post 'A Full Heart' is followed by 'Empty'. I was tempted to delete the 'Empty' post. There was this certain shame, "how can you post something like that?", that kept bugging me.

Yet, I didn't. I want to be real. I, too, am susceptible to disappointment, to weariness, to loneliness.

But I have to keep going. Rising up, falling again. It doesn't have to matter how many times I've fallen. How many times I've stood up again is what matters.

I have come to accept that in my life, there will be periods of restlessness, wilderness experiences which can make or break me as a person. These periods often draw out the kind of person God wants me to be. To bring out the person, not for His benefit, but for me to look back and say, "By God's grace, I have grown spiritually."

A lot of things in my life are not as I want them to be. And frankly, they are taking a toll on my faith.

The wilderness experiences are becoming common occurrences in my life this year. I sense that I am being prepared for something and I need to go through these experiences to draw out the things necessary for God to be glorified.

I take solace in this song that became 'my song' when I let go of my atheist past in 1991. It's the song of my heart right. And through the emptiness and pain, I offer my brokenness.

My heart is in my Abba's hands and my soul finds rest in the arms of the One who created the universe.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Empty

Empty...

Just doing the motions of living... Doing what needs to be done... Teaching... Mentoring... Encouraging...

But at the end of the day: Empty

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

scribbling in His universe